I'm back at camp. That's a development I had not expected. I mean, I told myself I wouldn't come back. That's why I took all those needless risks. Well, not all of them were needless. They did make me grow. Growing equals pain. Endings equal beginnings. To step out means to run the risk of being crushed. Especially when you repeated assure yourself that, "No, you're just tearing yourself down again. That's why that look from that guy/that friend was so strange. No, it can't possibly be that once again the people you've felt the closest to are really good at being nice."
Sure, being nice is good, but nice? Mm . . . not so much. Being nice looks a lot like smiles and sounds a lot like being reassured. And it feels so much like when you were a kid and it felt like there were butterflies waging a terrific war inside your stomach and it didn't make you want to throw up. For me, I knew it was too good to be true. Seriously, you wouldn't think that anything good, in any measure, could possibly be bad. The things in life that you want to be good will always have some measure of bad in them. It's then that you learn to be patient with the bad because the good in that other person is worth being patient for. It's then that they do that with you.
It doesn't work one way. And it doesn't work where love never lived. The other person is not a character in a story and you are not the writer. You are both people who can only understand what you think and what each of you decide to share. Once this starts to lean toward one person or the other it's a good indicator that some miscommunication and misunderstanding have occurred.
Too bad I was too blind to see it that way.
Too bad I saw it too late.
Too bad I came back.
But I did. I came back. And I will deal with it how I've told myself I will deal with it.
Head up. Don't hide. You have as much right to be here as anyone else. You can do this. It's just some awkwardness. A little embarrassment. And yes, a little self-hatred. But just a little. And that's how it's going to stay. Don't slouch. Warriors stand tall. Humility is a better garment than anything else. But you know what you're doing. Everyone who says differently is wrong. Because I do know what I'm doing. Last summer I didn't - I just said that I did - I knew I was standing across a void. I was just so sure I was self-destructing. It's what I do, you know? Depression and all it's other cousins. It adds up. Maybe that was my time. At least, that's what you told yourself. And hey, it's going to hurt to breathe the same smells as last time when those butterflies were warring. And yes, the pain is going to be there. Every time he's there. You learned to recognize his voice from the top of the hill. You learned how his soul felt. It will take time but you'll unlearn it. You will unlearn this pain. Hold on a little longer.
Hold on a little longer.
Because Ending begin and then turn into 9 months of non-camp where I could still feel it like a second skin. And then the Ending ends and the Beginning starts and here you are. Here I am. And it's okay. You'll unlearn what must be forgotten and learn what will be remembered. And being patient will prove better for everyone in the long run.
Too bad it takes patience to learn patience. What idiocy is that!?
But what idiocy is it to say that Endings begin?
