Don't you just love when you realize you are actually doing what you hate? It's wonderful to see that you're an accidental hypocrite because now, now you have this choice to make: do you change your behavior or do you change your ideology? Word to the wise, change your behavior.
However, that's easier said than done.
Having a one-track mind isn't inherently bad. I routinely spend my time editing films. You definitely need to keep your mind focused to get the job done. It's also advised to keep yourself on track when you're driving - that's why cell phones are a bad idea when you're behind the wheel. There's a lot to be said about being focused and getting the job done as well (and as safely as you can). I suppose then, that if I am behind the wheel of my life I should get off the cell phone before I crash.
Emotionally, in the last year I've had to heal from a severe depression deep enough to be called a head-on collision. I was so blinded by the headlights of my impending life after college that I freaked out years in advance of graduating and promptly swerved into a ditch. It's been hard crawling back out and patching myself up but I did it. The only downside, however, to being completely focused on healing and being "normal" again (whatever that means) was that it also produced a one-track mind - a mind that I really hate and that sometimes other people hate as well.
See, what happens during a one-track episode is based exclusively upon focus and habit. Habit causes you to repeat things like, "this is what I'll do after college . . ." or "if I can just get this job I'll be set . . .". Basically you are only focusing on one thing that you want so badly you can't think about anything else. At first, this isn't bad. I'm sure that the builders of the Titanic wanted to create the largest passenger ship in the world. But after a while your brain just keeps putting you on repeat so that every time you have a one-track episode and you open your mouth the same things come out. And then you crash full speed into an iceberg. Eventually, your friends will end up saying what mine did to me, "You already know what I think." And then turn away.
This is the part of the story where I have to pause for a moment. See, I've known for a while that I do this. But instead of changing it within myself, the only way I battled it was to always be "on". Being "on" means that you are always having your public face on, you only show those parts of you that others find to be good and socially acceptable. But then I got comfortable here. For a while, that was okay because while I was comfortable I still hadn't opened up yet. But then I did. And what followed was a wonderful mix of inappropriate jokes and confessions that eventually led again to the one-track mind I thought I had fixed, that I thought I had paved over into a multi-lane highway that was leading me toward what I want in life. A mind that had stopped the one-track episodes and had managed to swerve the iceberg and not sink into the Atlantic.
Don't you just love when you realize you are actually doing what you hate?
The only difference between back then when I was struggling and now when I'm not struggling as much is that my friend was completely, and utterly honest with me. It was a shock but one that I needed. Because now, I'm not accidentally being a hypocrite. Now I am choosing to stop myself from saying things on repeat. Notice I used the present tense? Yeah, that's because it's not like we can just choose to be something else and then we just are. We don't operate like choosing character preferences for a video game. We decide at every moment whether or not we are going to do the best thing, the thing that we know is right even though it's probably difficult, the thing that we know will make us better even though we really don't want to do it.
This is my confession.
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