Trust is an issue I've been bothered by for a while. I suppose there are many reasons which I won't get into here but suffice it to say I've wondered and now I'm going to talk about my wonderings.
So here goes.
Trust requires honesty. Honesty requires courage. And courage is something I've been lacking in my life . . . until this summer.
What's so great about this summer you ask?
Well, I forced myself to take a job in West Virginia at a Christian summer camp as their videographer. Film is something I've been interested in for a while and I had just finished a Mass Media and Visual Communications major from my college in western New York State this past May. Coincidentally or not, I'm still not sure which, I went to college in the same county I grew up in. So, leaving for a destination set 8 hours away and with the knowledge that I would be there for a few months was devastatingly real and terrifying - but still exciting (if you can imagine that which I hope you can because it is amazing).
In other words, I wasn't trusting myself with the experience I'd gained in college to do my job.
In other words, I wasn't trusting myself with the strength I've had for as long as I can remember.
In other words, I wasn't trusting my God and the path he has laid out for me.
You see, trust requires honesty. And honesty has been in pretty short supply in the last few years. Its the reason why most of my college friendships have died - were never alive in the first place. We spent so much time pretending to be close just to give the illusions to each other and ourselves that we weren't really alone.
Honesty requires courage. Let's just say that I've been a coward for a long time. I didn't used to be but it's where I was and that's what counts. You can try to be something better or you can remain in the behaviors you hate but people want to know you . . . as you are now. Not as you were. It makes sense, they only know what they see us doing now. They can't reach into the past and figure out the good person we used to be and they can't see into the future to the good person we want to be someday. The people in my life had seen the past and had only remembered the bad things I did when I was 14. Unfortunately for me, past and present don't always match up how we'd like them to.
Honestly, and this is taking quite a lot of courage to write this, I didn't even want to be in West Virginia. And I especially didn't want to be here once I got here. I was completely thrown into a different world down here, one with dobsonflies and red, clay mud and so many fears I could barely think straight. Not only did I not want to do this job but none of my friends or family thought I was even going to do it - and I didn't even admit any of my fears to them! They just assumed I wouldn't. Because that's what I had always done. At least to them. At least for a while during the period of my life that I categorize somewhere between a category 5 hurricane and the maelstrom from "Pirates of the Caribbean 3".
So how in the heck did I end up actually going to West Virginia?
I'll tell you.
During my Sophomore year in college I read about a philosopher. I forget his name, but basically the idea of what has stuck with me is that if we want to be better people, we need to force ourselves to do what good people do until we do those things that good people do so often and so well as to forget we ever forced ourselves to do those things in the first place. To my terrified self finishing up my last semester in college I simultaneously didn't want to apply for the job and did want to apply so that I would become a better, stronger individual in the world.
So I went.
The courage came with me.
The honesty found its way into my daily life.
And trust did follow.
So far so good. But then in the last few days I've experienced some things that have caused me to stop and reflect on when I have found a way to trust others but some of these others turn out to be not so trusting in their interactions with me. Now, most people in my life don't try to make me stumble in my resolve. Most are genuinely trying to help me. Obviously, when we're children we start to learn who we can and cannot trust. I was not sheltered from the "stranger danger" talks and I started realizing around the age of 8 that my friends just tucked me away for when they needed me. However, because I didn't have honesty or courage I couldn't stop automatically trusting what they said to me.
This was the trend.
However! This summer has given me plenty of opportunities to hone my honesty and courage. Basically, this means, it sucks being an adult but sometimes you have to step up and be the bigger person. I shook. I stuttered. But afterward, I knew I had done the right thing. That satisfaction is something that fuels more courage later. Which fuels honesty. Which - yep! - fuels trust.
So in the end, the years I spent watching people hurt me was just because I didn't have courage and I wasn't honest. If this tale had a moral I would say it would be to speak up! What's the worst that could happen really? What? You stated your opinion? Good. It means people understand what's going on in that head of yours. People are going to judge you on the outside anyway. Why not give them a piece of your mind so you can walk away with the satisfaction that you decided what people know about you. It's their problem if they don't like it - but I'm pretty certain that you'll probably make some good friends if you're brutally honest with them. Because we're all looking for those relationships that will last through the crap of our lives and the only way we're going to find those people to stick it out with us is if we're brutally honest at the start of it.
Trust requires honesty. Honesty requires courage. Courage requires work. I'll let you decide if it's worth it in the end.
But I bet it is.
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